Passion

I wonder why when I sit down and ask myself what I want to do with my future I always come up with a blank. People ask me all the time, what kind of lawyer I want to be, and I shrug and say I don't know.  Other people what to know what my 3 and 5 year goals are. All I know is that I want to get a job and have health insurance. Somewhere in there I would like to train for a full ironman, but I don't know if that is going to happen - I'm too slow. But that's it, those are my goal. A job, health care, and a possible physical event.

Part of me feels like I'm just wasting away. There are issues I get passionate and excited about. There are arguments that I have and debates that I win (and sometimes lose). I should be able to turn that passion into a goal, and aim. I should want to make sure woman are always treated equally, all kids get a good education, assault weapons aren't allowed in the hands of civilians. But somehow, I can't transfer that passion into a career.

People ask me - Well, if you don't know what you want to do with your career, what are your interests? What are you hobbies? What do you love to do? Make a career out of that! And again, I don't know. I sew a bit, I crochet a bit, I knit a bit, I dance a bit, I sing a bit, I run a bit. I don't do anything all that well and have many friends that outshine me. But again, I have no hobbies that I'm passionate about. Nothing that I want to spend the time or energy to get really, really good at. There is nothing in my life that I feel the need to dedicate anything do.

I've actually taken the past couple of days off of life to sit with myself and figure out some plans for my future.  Since plans always change, I have to take everything with a grain of salt, but I figured that it would be nice to come up with something to aim for - other than graduating from school.  Instead, I have spent the past couple of days knitting my first sock, trying to sew a laundry bag, make pumpkin granola, and clean. Admittedly, all of these things were necessary, especially the cleaning. - I was able to vacuum my office! - But I ended up filling my time with so many little things, that I didn't take any time to figure out a goal. I wasted to perfectly good days doing pretty much nothing. And I don't feel any closer to an answer than I did before.

How do people find passion? How do they discover their path? I feel like I'm a smart, capable, intelligent, and well educated woman. I could do a hell of a lot of good in this world. I don't know where to start or what to focus on.  I feel pretty useless, even though I know I could be useful!

Part of me just wants to curl up and watch TV for weeks straight and forget that there is a world. I'd get bored - fast. I think. I hope. Oh gosh, what if all I want to do with my life is waste my brain on TV? Why do some people know what they want to do with their lives when they are in 6th grade, and others, like me, don't. I know how to keep my self busy with projects and such, but that doesn't mean I'm doing anything good in this world.

I don't need any more Christmas presents - I need someone to point me in the right direction. Sigh, I hope I find something I enjoy and care about in this world. I hope I find passion. That would be nice.

Spoonflower

Fabric can be really cool.  But unfortunately, what I usually find in our box stores that pass as craft shops (and take plenty of my money in the process) is bland and silly stuff on fabric that I don't want to use.

And then I learned about spoonflower.com. You can even create your own pattern! Send them a picture and they'll put it on fabric. I know there is technically more than that, but you get the idea. I'm not creative enough to come up with my own designs, but there are enough creative people in the world, and many post to this site, that I won't need to. There is even Doctor Who fabric! That's just cool. 

It's more expensive than stores, but I think you might be getting what you pay for. I haven't bought anything yet, but I'm planning. I think a Tardis skirt is in order. 

Time to Start

I've been getting angry lately. There could be a huge variety of reasons. I could simply be missing interacting with other humans. Law school seems to do that to people. It's easier to suck someone's soul out when the only people a law student sees on a regular basis are other law students. Law school makes students feel so busy, their non-law school friends feel like phantoms in the night.

Or it could be the season. Yeah! A single christmas! Yeah - another Christmas Eve by myself. Yeah,  another evening with my parents, fox-news loving uncle, and grandparents with dementia so bad, we end up having the same conversation every five minutes. Their conversation always makes me feeling like I'm walking that infinity loop - over, and over and over.

It could be that I'm beginning to realize that I am different than most people I meet.  There are so many nice people in the world, but I like Doctor Who and Firefly, and they like Sons of Anarchy and some show about the wives of basketball players. I only recently learned that the show the Jersey Shore, had absolutely nothing to do about the ocean.  They give me odd looks when I mention that I loved the dress with the map of Middle Earth on it. And they don't understand why I don't swear or drink more. I don't understand while people feel the need to get drunk every weekend.

But I really think it's this country we are living in. A country that is so greedy, that we don't even realize we are greedy.  We are willing to sell our souls, our children's future, our entire planet - our home, in the name of cheap.

Today's argument is the cost of tuition.

How many people in positions of power right now went to public universities? I don't know, I don't have the numbers, but I suspect a lot of them. The UC system was highly, highly respected at one point. To get in and to graduate from a UC really meant something. I honestly don't know if it still has that reputation today. The people in my parents generation, all the way up to my generation had it good. We had this quality education. We had it cheap. We might have had to pull a few minor loans, but most people managed to get by fairly decently.

And now, these people, the ones that got these benefits, are now the people in charge. These are the people making money. These are the people making decisions.  These are the people who are in our government, supposedly fighting for us, their constituents.

They should be fighting to make sure their children have the same benefits they had. They should be using their position, their money, to give back to their community, just like their parents did. Their parents paid for their education by paying taxes, but now they want their children to pay for their own education by taking out loans. These people got of scott free. They took. They took their education and their their knowledge from their parents, and they are using that education and knowledge to take that benefit from their children, from the next generation. They got their education on a loan, a loan to pay back when their children went to college. And you know what? They reneged on that loan. They are reneging with millions of dollars in the back, with millions in off-shore funds, hummers and beamers, and 2,000+ square foot house. They are backing out on their end of the bargain of a damn good cheap education, and keeping the benefits for themselves. Selfish bastards.

And what is being done? Nothing. The students are scared to death. They can't afford to lose a semester's tuition by striking. Most parents can't afford to lose the little money they are able to give them. And so nothing happens. People sit on their hands. Complain about the costs, the fees, and about how students have to have start of life with debt equivalent of a house already on their hands,  before they even start their life. And nothing happens.

Oh yes, there was the pepper spray incident. That went viral for a week and who mentions it now? Look what happened in Canada when there was a raise in tuition. The largest act of civil disobedience in history in canada. 400,000 - 500,000 people marched on Montreal one day. Could you imagine if this country could get that many people to fight for something? Could you imagine the impact if every single UCD student stopped going to class and fought for a change in our system? You can bet I'd take the day off work and march right along with them. But it's not going to happen. People are sitting on their butts, watching TV and not realizing what could happened if they fought.

Where is the anger of the 60's-70's? Where is the willingness to make sure our government works for us? Where is the government's fear of us? They should be doing what's is best for the country, not for their damn pockets!

We need someone. Not Obama, I like Obama, but he's not the one. He's scared of his reputation and has a need to work in the system. We need someone out side the system to make them listen to us. I feel like once you are elected, you learn the politics and forget the world.  A one-way mirrors surrounds every capital in the country. The people on the inside see only themselves. The people on the outside don't have any chance of being seen or heard. Someone needs to yell and scream and tear down those mirrors. Someone needs to get people excited and angry. Some one needs to argue for a non-violent (yes, I mean that) protests, to make us not afraid of pepper spray or a few hits or blows, because we are fighting for the people. We need a Martin Luther King. I want to follow someone like that. I want to be in their wake and help make the changes we need. I want a real leader.

It's not all bad

I do believe I am begining to be a minority in this country. Considering the news, the comments after the news, the word on the street - I might be turning into an endangered species. Here's the thing: I actually believe that a government is not inherently evil.  There is actually a human being in this country that doesn't run away in terror at the word "government." What a shock.

Now I'm not saying that a government is always good and there aren't problems with governments. Of course there are. It's made of of people and there will always be bad people. Power hungry, greedy, people. People who manipulate data, or hurt certain members of the population, or give themselves raises when someone of use are living on less than what we made 4 years ago - in the same job. There are bad people in government. But there are also bad people in private corporations, or do you think that they are immune to corruption?

I don't think a few rotten apples make the whole idea of a government evil. Especially since we have that weird thing called the freedom of information act and all of the government's transactions and issues are laid out on the table for the world to see. There are fanatics that will try to find any abuse by the government and bring them to light. Oddly, no such rules exist for private business. Oddly, when one business loses 5.8 BILLION dollars, almost no one seems to bat an eye, and there are still people arguing against regulations despite such loses.

Not that private business are all bad either, but I personally like that there is an organization, making decisions on our behalf, and not trying to figure out how to make a profit in the transaction.  I know a lot of people in government are there because they want to help people and do the right thing by society. That's why I'm there.  Considering my statistics and computer skills, I could easily find a place that paid me more. But I feel good doing what I do, and I'm not after people's money.

One of the problems with government is that it needs to strike and uneasy and difficult balance and it's super easy go to far in one direction or the other. So easy, in fact, that it happens all the time. The best we can hope for is that we don't go to the extremes of the two possibilities.  Our representatives have to determine if they follow their constituent's wishes, or if they need to use their own best judgment.

There are  good reasons to advocate the use of both methods. First of all, as a country the citizens should have a say in how things are run and what money is spent on. This is where we live, work, and play and we elect our government. Our representatives should hear our voices and follow our lead.  On the other hand, as once person told me, the epitome of a democracy is a lynch mob - everyone agrees with the plan save one. There has to be a time when the government doesn't follow the caprices of the populace.

The people we elect have access to experts, witnesses, intelligence, and all sorts of information we will never know. Not necessarily because there is information only the government knows, but because the representative can hire a team and talk to top notch people with the best most accurate information. Something that we as individuals rarely get a chance to do. With all that information, one can see why people in our government might know more that we do, and can make better, informed decisions that go against our wished. Sometimes that is the right thing to do. Then of course, sometimes that path can lead us down to that whole dictatorship thing. Not good.

Is the government going to screw up? yep. But do I believe that a government can be more good than bad, yep.

Let's think of some the good things that the government does, which might be hard. See, when a government works well, you don't notice it. Citizens only seem to care when the government stops working the way it is supposed to.

So it provides a free (for now) education for grades 1-12 (and used to have an excellent public university system, to bad that's gone), paves the roads and puts up street lamps. Makes sure that the water out of the tap is safe to drink (It may not always taste great, but that doesn't mean it's safe). Sets standards that insures my house won't fall in a earthquake. Provides and maintains parks and pools and national forests (okay, that's the feds). Even maintains trails in the forests, with signs, so I don't get lost.  Phew, I could go on and on, but let's put that off for another day.

Funny Will Story

A quote from my book, Wills, trusts, and Estates by Dukeminier.

Two men walked into our office in late August and told us that they were Mr. P's nephew. They were completely covered with chigger bites from the top of their shoes to their belts. Their legs were swollen and red all over. They told us that their uncle had died in East Texas on a 40-acre farm. They said that he was found dead in his old house that did not have any doors or windows and that the floor was about to fall in, that he kept his eggs in a bucket hanging from a tree limb by wire to keep the snakes from stealing them, that he hung his milk from a tree limb, dangling in a creek, that there was no stove in the house and that he had a wheel barrow with the wheel running at about a 45 degree angle that he pushed to and from town to carry all his supplies. They had been informed that their uncle had left a will, and the entire family had descended on the place over the weekend to hunt for it. They had spent two days digging in every place that they could think of on the entire 40 acres, hunting for the will that they assumed was buried somewhere. When they were about to quit, someone decided to dig up the floor of the chicken house. Underneath the chicken house floor they found a gallon jar, and in the gallon jar was a half-gallon jar, and in the half gallon jar was a quart, and in the quart was a pint, and in the pint was a half pint, and in the half pint was a key which appeared to fit some safe-deposit box. Upon checking all of the banks in the neighboring towns, they finally found a bank that had a safe-deposit box that they key would fit. Upon opening the safe-deposit box they found P.'s holographic will. The first sentence recited that this was Oscar P.'s last will. The second sentence read: "You will find the key to my safety deposit box in a jar under the floor in the chicken house."

Oscar P. left a substantial estate.