Passion

I wonder why when I sit down and ask myself what I want to do with my future I always come up with a blank. People ask me all the time, what kind of lawyer I want to be, and I shrug and say I don't know.  Other people what to know what my 3 and 5 year goals are. All I know is that I want to get a job and have health insurance. Somewhere in there I would like to train for a full ironman, but I don't know if that is going to happen - I'm too slow. But that's it, those are my goal. A job, health care, and a possible physical event.

Part of me feels like I'm just wasting away. There are issues I get passionate and excited about. There are arguments that I have and debates that I win (and sometimes lose). I should be able to turn that passion into a goal, and aim. I should want to make sure woman are always treated equally, all kids get a good education, assault weapons aren't allowed in the hands of civilians. But somehow, I can't transfer that passion into a career.

People ask me - Well, if you don't know what you want to do with your career, what are your interests? What are you hobbies? What do you love to do? Make a career out of that! And again, I don't know. I sew a bit, I crochet a bit, I knit a bit, I dance a bit, I sing a bit, I run a bit. I don't do anything all that well and have many friends that outshine me. But again, I have no hobbies that I'm passionate about. Nothing that I want to spend the time or energy to get really, really good at. There is nothing in my life that I feel the need to dedicate anything do.

I've actually taken the past couple of days off of life to sit with myself and figure out some plans for my future.  Since plans always change, I have to take everything with a grain of salt, but I figured that it would be nice to come up with something to aim for - other than graduating from school.  Instead, I have spent the past couple of days knitting my first sock, trying to sew a laundry bag, make pumpkin granola, and clean. Admittedly, all of these things were necessary, especially the cleaning. - I was able to vacuum my office! - But I ended up filling my time with so many little things, that I didn't take any time to figure out a goal. I wasted to perfectly good days doing pretty much nothing. And I don't feel any closer to an answer than I did before.

How do people find passion? How do they discover their path? I feel like I'm a smart, capable, intelligent, and well educated woman. I could do a hell of a lot of good in this world. I don't know where to start or what to focus on.  I feel pretty useless, even though I know I could be useful!

Part of me just wants to curl up and watch TV for weeks straight and forget that there is a world. I'd get bored - fast. I think. I hope. Oh gosh, what if all I want to do with my life is waste my brain on TV? Why do some people know what they want to do with their lives when they are in 6th grade, and others, like me, don't. I know how to keep my self busy with projects and such, but that doesn't mean I'm doing anything good in this world.

I don't need any more Christmas presents - I need someone to point me in the right direction. Sigh, I hope I find something I enjoy and care about in this world. I hope I find passion. That would be nice.