Family

I'm supposed to be studying. I am studying - just taking a little mental health break. I guess that's what you can call it. Sometimes my mind is in such a turmoil, that the information just isn't getting in to my head.

My family's had a tough couple of months. My grandmother was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Her heart is working at about 20% of normal.  She's not going to get any better, so she's is getting palliative care. She has live in caretakers (2, they switch off) to provide 24 hours of care.  Of course she also gets the regular hospice visits from the nurse and aids and such. It's sad, and to be perfectly honest, it's not so sad that she is dying, but said that she is living like this.

She can't remember a thing. She doesn't remember being in the hospital, she doesn't remember that she can't drive, and she doesn't know who this person, the caretakers, is in her house. Everyday my parents gets calls about asking who this woman is and why she is there.  The caretaker has managed to convince my grandmother that she cooks dinner every night just by placing the meal in front of my grandmother and "reminding" her that she cooked it. Simple.  She has even forgotten her own son once or twice. She can't cook, read, sew, knit, play games, or any other activity, because she forgets - everything.

My grandfather is having mental problems too. He once starting throwing away the medication the caretaker was trying to give my grandmother.  Well, wouldn't you if this strange woman was in your house, trying to get your wife to eat something? He remembers buying cars that they don't have, and eating meals that they didn't. And he is the one that is always calling my parents - asking who this person is in there house.

And they worst part is - they never prepared for when they got older. They kept saying that they didn't need help. They can take care of themselves, they are fine. Well, that's all nice and good, except they kept relying on my parents to do everything for them. They did need help, but wouldn't acknowledge it, and now they are angry, frustrated, and scared, because they didn't do anything to prepare for the day when they weren't 100% able to do everything for themselves.  My parents have spent months to years taking care of them, without a word of acknowledgement - because in their mind - they really didn't need it (and let me tell you, yes they did.). Sigh.

This is not a way to live. I loved my grandmother, but I feel like I've already mourned her. I don't know who this person is. I haven't know her for years.  I know this is heartless, but I think it will be a bit of a relief if she dies sooner than later, because right now, she is not living. That makes me a cruel person, but I tell you, I don't ever want to be in my grandparent's situation.  If you are so confused and forgetful that you can't even read and understand a book, or have a conversation, or crochet a blanket, or... a million other things that require a memory of more than 10 seconds, then I'm not sure I'd want to be alive. Gosh, I feel horrible for thinking that.